Falling Away

I have just come to the realization that I think everyone, except family and 1-2 others will eventually leave me.

Everyone.

It may take a month. It may take a year. But I find that deep down inside, that no matter how close you get, no matter how tight you may feel you are with a group of friends, it's only temporary. It will eventually fail. The circle will break apart, the group of friends will dissolve, leaving you standing with the wind whistling through your ears.

I've blogged about this before, usually when I am going through a break up, losing friends, etc. It's in these times that I feel that belief so vividly and strongly that I keep bringing it up. insanity? probably.

But I've explored it further and realize that this extends to all my relationships. Girlfriends. Close friends. I treat them all the same. I'll be friends with them because I realize I cannot live alone, but I am always expecting them to disappoint and leave me. Always. When it does, the pain is there, but there is also the empty comfort of "you knew this was going to happen". It's a cold comfort, but a comfort nonetheless.

Family is the exception of course. But even then, sometimes I hesitate to reach out because even though in the 37 years they have always loved me, there is something deep seated within my heart that the possibility is there as well. And I don't want to even try to reach out and find that there is nothing there. That's worse than never reaching out. So I accept that never reaching out is the only way to not get hurt. If I do reach out, I WILL get hurt. I WILL experience abandonment.

Don't get me wrong. People like me. They enjoy hanging out and think I'm a pretty cool guy. I've never had a problem making friends. But when I make friends, I do it with the understanding that there will be a separation, either due to marriage, circumstances, geography, etc. And I find my heart can't take it anymore.

When did this start? I think back and I haven't always been this way. I've started thinking about the times that I've felt this abandonment (besides the usual suspects of breaking up with girlfriends).

2004 - I was always hanging out with a bunch of friends. We would hang out for 1-2 years, but everyone would get married and the inevitable girl liking a guy one way that caused the circle to break. ouch.

1998 - Me, W and J were best buds. I loved these guys and it was the first time that I really was connecting in a deep way with them. J got married and ended up dropping out. ouch. Me and W are still good friends and I treasure that

1991 - Me, Z, D, W were best friends. We were the circle. for one semester, it was tight. I hadn't had that tightness before. I didn't know what happened, but the circle ended up breaking up. ouch.

1984 - Me and C were great friends. I can't remember because I was only 12, but I do remember that we were really close, but because of parents falling out, we weren't able to be friends anymore. it was sad, but I don't know what I felt at that point.

There are a number of other instances between these dates that I haven't mentioned because I believe my point has already been made. Somewhere along these experiences, I believed that friendships were meant to be broken. Friendships were made to be sources of pain.

Maybe that is why I feel so much more comfortable with gadgets. They are always there. They break down, but I don't have anything really invested in them. It's always the same (the better thing is right around the corner) and there is a familiarity in that. Same goes for things like my admin skills in computers. People will always value me because of my computer skills (at least the world will) so I can always find validation with that.

The unfortunate part of this is that I extend this also to God. I am deathly afraid of the time that the Lord is going to say, "I never knew you." and every time I expose my heart, even though He has been faithful all the time, there is a uncertainty with this as being , "is this the last time before He gives me over to my sinful desires?" I'm waiting. Because friendships were meant to be broken. He can tell me all the time, but my experience with people confirms it in my life at least. (which also may be a self-fulfilling prophecy)

So I think that's the crux of the matter. I don't trust the Lord because I don't trust people.

Sad isn't it? Here I am, taking Theophosics which is the identification of lies and inserting the truth into our hearts and here I am identifying the lies, but the truth can't seem to take hold in my heart. funny isn't it? Healer, heal thyself! If it were only so easy...