The Bell and the Balloon

So I finally went to counseling. well, I wouldn’t call it counseling in the traditional sense, but it was Jesus the counselor doing mighty things in my life. Whew. I didn’t realize the impact that would be for me to go through it. The jist of it? I found that I had a belief that I would be alone no matter how many people are around and how many friends I would have. (see my post “Falling Away”)

Going into my session, I was confronted with the fact that I fundamentally thought that the reason that relationships were broken was because I was not worth being loved. That people would break off the friendship/relationships when they got past all the things that I could do for them. I looked upon relationships as a give and take. “what do you bring to the table because this is what I bring to the table.” is the thought that is resonating within my skull. Bad, I know. But one thing that I have learned is that the heart believes what the heart believes, not what it is supposed to believe. So when a friendship ends, or a friendship is broken, it seemed like a confirmation of my own unworthiness of love.

Lies. All lies. during the facilitation I found out that these relationships were like delicate glass cubes. I had one in my hand, but it was in shards with sharp edges and my hands were bleeding from the cuts they were making. The Lord said to me, “You really shouldn’t hold onto the glass cubes too tightly. They are delicate and if you do, you’ll break them and they’ll cut and hurt you. Why don’t you give them over to me? They’re mine anyway, they really aren’t yours.” Hmm...I never really thought about it. I realized that I was looking at relationships and friendships as a source of worth and comfort and I never really asked the Lord whether or not He would give me that worth and comfort. So what happened when I asked the Lord about this. About how I held on so tightly to the fact that I was worth something to people because of what I did and that my sense of worth comes from that. When I was going to let it go, I found out that I wasn’t willing to let it go, for if I did, what else did I have? nothing! I would be utterly alone without even the pain to keep me company in this place of desolation.

The Lord’s reply?

“I’ve got a balloon.”

And I grabbed it. Hugged it. Leaving my bundle of performance and worth, which was a burlap sack tied with rope together I found the balloon providing safety and comfort. And it was light. I was so comforting. And the Lord had tons more. all that I could ever want. All that I could ever hug. And if I lost the balloon? If the balloon flew away? He has many to replace it.

Even then, I still wasn’t completely free. I knew that the alone feeling and the worthless feelings would come back and what then?

“Here’s this bell. Ring the bell and I’ll a come running. Always. Every time.”

Oh, what a comfort. Jesus will come when I ring the bell? when I”m feeling alone and worthless, Jesus will come when I ring the bell. And I’ll always have a balloon to remind me of the safety and comfort that He has for me. No longer will I have to perform in order to have relationships, but I can say for the first time, without the emotional euphoria of a worship conference or altar call, I can say, “I’m satisfied with you Lord. I need no other relationships. If you choose to give me relationships to steward, I will with rejoicing, but again, I say, I will rejoice in You.”

The day is bright indeed.