A look back.

It's my birthday.

Birthday's are depressing. I don't know if it is because I've had so many and they are mileposts to say that I have less time to do what God wants for me. Like many people, I always thought that when I got to 37 that I would be more successful, farther along, or just "better" than I am right now. The more I start thinking deeply about it, the more I realize that I will always think that no matter where I am at. It's just how I am wired.

It's gotten to the point where I don't tell people when my birthday is and I end up just spending the day as normal. I don't feel any different, so shouldn't it be just another day?

Yet the more I start thinking about it, rituals and celebrations have value. Funerals. Graduation. Bar Mitzphahs. Baby Showers. Housewarming. All of these rituals do have meaning and are helpful and in some cases, necessary in order to mentally move on. Are birthday's the same? I've heard of many people who don't know their birthday and don't even know how old they are exactly. So it makes me think. Should I have a birthday party? in a new place where I don't know many people for that long? I know that this is going to be a challenge when I go to taiwan. Celebrating my first thanksgiving and christmas away from home will be difficult and I know that I will feel lonely and miss my family so much. Even thinking about it now, I get a little teary eyed.

But enough of the fanciful thinking. I'm here to talk about the last year. For the last couple of years, I know that I was in the same place. I was not growing and maturing much at all, and I questioned this. I sent out emails. I asked people, "have I changed much honestly?" Probably not the best way to go about in getting a honest opinion, but nonetheless, it was one of the only possibilities to get feedback. And inevitably, I would confirm that really, nothing has changed so much. I would still be working, getting raises, saving money, struggling with the same issues and sins, dealing with the same people, trying to get ahead in the rat race of work and finances, dreaming about financial independence so I could FINALLY do what I wanted to do (which I raelly didn't know what I really wanted to do, so in reality if this had happened, I would probably end up being a lazy man and sit around and do nothing) . But this year is different (for obvious reasons)

I look back at the day that I decided, which was July 31st, 2009 4pm. Since then, life has been turned upside down. I no longer have a income. (scary) I live in a small room that I am renting out, living outside of chicago for the first time since college (not counting missions trips) and finding new friends and adjusting to the prayer lifestyle. All difficult things.

But I love it.

I don't know how to put it, but I'm so....sure that this was the right decision. That my life is now on the right track. For so long, I have thought that my life was not "in harmony" and that was normal because you have to do things to live. (like work and have a job) But it felt so empty. I would find myself withdrawing and seeing everything as empty and meaningless. Like what is the point to work, work, work, only to save up money and get through the unexpected things of life? Is that it? you work so that you can live? no. This isn't what God has called us to. God has called us to a full life and I knew that I wasn't living it. Sure, you could look on the outside and see that I was heavily involved with my church as a small group leader, worship leader, etc, etc. But in reality I never was truly happy. I found that I was looking for satisfaction in relationships, work, ministry and I never could find it, because God was quietly but insistently calling me to the path that He has chosen for me. The longer I ignored the call, the worse it God for me. much like jonah.

So as I look back on 2009, I see the valley. The valley of despair and restlessness that preceded the rising path to the vista that God has shown me. So with a smile, I turn back to the path God has laid out and start walking. :)