Fear

Wow. another 6 months have passed since I've written. I'm part ashamed and part angry that I haven't been able to keep this blog up as much as I would have liked to. Part of it is all my preparation for my missions trip this january and all the newsletters, facebook messages and plain trying to keep up with everyone and renew friendships that I have neglected for the last couple of years.

Here at IHOP, where I am doing my training in the prayer room and the prayer ministry, I'm finding that something is changing within me. God is slowly starting to show me that my life is characterized by fear. Fear grips me at every turn in my life. Fear of rejection, fear of being known, fear of NOT being known, fear of being alone, fear of failure (which I've covered ad nauseum the past couple of years.) Because of this fear, I isolate myself. I let friendships decay and grow distant. Because of this fear, I withdraw from conversations and cannot share with others. Because of this fear, I find I cannot come to God whole. I cannot ever throw myself wholly into His presence or engage with Him wholly. I hold something back. I hold my dreams to be married back. I hold back my desires to have many kids. I hold back my body and looks when I come before the Lord. More and more, I sense God telling me that I need to loosen the grip that I have had on these deep deep desires to be loved and to gain approval in my Father's eyes.