Negative Examples

I wonder if I will ever get married. I have brought this up before, just to prove that guys do think about this once in a while...

Marriages failing

I see it more and more, people who are in marriages that are for a lack of a better word, terrible and people who are divorced and such. Heck, I'm dating a great girl and I still can't bring myself to 'dive' into the relationship because I'm so afraid that I will turn out to be one of the 'bad' marriages or 'miserable' marriages. On the bright side, being in a relationship makes all this stuff come out whereas before I could just ignore it being single and living the bachelor life.

On another note, I have freaking 10 lbs of food in my fridge that I need to eat within the next 4-5 days. Last sunday I had this inspiration that I was going to cook for the rest of the week. In my exuberance, I ended up cooking 6 chicken breasts, 4 lbs of green peas and 5 cups of rice. This led to 13 packaged meals for me to eat for the next couple of weeks. This alone would not be bad, because I like the food and I have this God given ability to eat the same thing for weeks on end. I compound the matter by buying 5 lbs of vegetables at the store. Why? Cause it was on sale and I got all of it for $5. Now I feel obligated to eat this, as it is sitting in my fridge getting staler as we speak. *ugh* The only upside to this is that I haven't gone out to eat this entire week (except I bought some fries last night...just fries...) And probably this weekend I will be eating in as much as I can to save money. It's amazing how much money you spend on stuff when you eat out. Before I made it a point to eat in and cook my own food, I was spending about $270/month on eating out.

I've also started to look for another job. It's scary, because I haven't looked for a job in 7 years and I'm quite inept when it comes to resume work and such. Good thing my cousin is VP of HR at a big company, and she's helping me out. I hope to get this done and over soon, but I didn't want to rush into another job just because I want/need the money. Maybe I should do something completely different. I was reading a book last night and there was a section on 'is your energy that you have spent on things that you value?' And it went on to mention questions to find out what is of value to you like, "If you were to do something and not get paid for it, whta would it be? What accomplishments in your life are you proud of?"

My answers were: "Nothing. There isn't anything that I would do and not get paid for it. aybe ministry work, but I haven't done full time ministry work and I Don't know if I would find it as rewarding. Be a world traveler? I think back to the times when I have been most happy...My time in New Zealand, My time camping in the smokey mountains. my time in china. But nothing that I can say, oo, I would go camping all the time (i'm older and have more aches and pains) , maybe I would go back into missions, but the last couple of missions trips honestly were not that great for me. I learned, but there wasn't a great sense of fulfillment in doing that work.

And what would I be proud of that I have accomplished in my life? Nothing. I tend to look at my life as a bunch of failings and disappointments. Sure I have a good job, but I'm going to be leaving soon. I have a house, but it's not even done and it's a money pit. I don't have a family of my own. I don't....ok, I'm going to stop because this is depressing me, and probably depressing you as well. :)

All this to say, I think I need to take some time to figure out what my values and beliefs are and align my life to that. I'm a big mess inside. :)