Going it alone

I've sensed a pattern in my life. Talking with my mom, she has great wisdom to see things in my life that I don't even notice.

I'm here to talk about my inability to ask for help. In my mind, I HAVE to be self-sufficient, otherwise I am deficient in some way. This gets me in trouble, because I stress about everything since I Think I have to do everyting. Why? Because if I can't do it, I'm a failure.

My mom called me out on this. She let me know that there are people out there willing to help me, but I do not ask because I am too proud to. So I continue this miserable experience carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders praying that someone would see me and offer to help, but I cannot cross that line to ask someone to help me. I know I can't continue this for too much longer, and classes are starting soon, so it's just going to get worse.

I never thought of myself as being prideful, or arrogant, but maybe in taking on all these projects, that I am arrogant, that I am prideful, and I need to recognize that. Being up in front, taking prominent positions is all tied up in wanting to mean something, to be accomplished for something, anything....for deep down inside, I don't believe that I am worth anything. Oh, it's not evident in my life, but in a lot of ways I think this permeates my thinking.