semi-love triangle

I think I might be in a semi-love triangle. nutty, because I've only met this girl once, and only talked briefly. Most people would say that this is infatuation, and I would be inclined to agree with them...It's a nice feeling, being infatuated with someone, because then you get the topsy turvy emotional ride...now some of you would think that having a emotional ride like that is a living nightmare but for me it is fun. It's fun because then I feel alive...i.e. as long as it's a high or low, it's good...I just don't want to be on the plateau for long...So even if things are going really bad for me and I might hate it, part of me doesn't mind it, because it is saying "This is life, living life to the fullest" Maybe it's because of Matthew 5:11-12 Who knows.

Now you may think what kind of freak I am....I'll attempt to explain myself. I find that throughout my life, I am more familiar with negative motivation than positive motivation. I ENJOY positive motivation so much more, but only in small doses few and far between. Too much, and I really lose my desire to accomplish whatever goal it is. But a few well placed encouragements goes a long long way. But when I get negative motivation, I revel in it, even though it might make me feel bad....In part because I get angry internally, and use that anger to accomplish my goal..."I'm going to finish this if it kills me" is a phrase I use way too much in my head. So when things are going bad...I really like it, because then I feel like I am doing something right. Warped, eh?

That tension that I create inside is what makes me do things...It's kind of scary to think that I'm motivated a lot by anger to accomplish my goals, but that is how I have worked as far back as I remember.


Ok, so this was a weird blog. That's what I get for writing so early in the morning...

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