10/28/2002
Here's my thought for the day:
I came to the sudden realization that I have built my worth upon what I DO, rather than who I am. I have endeavored to make myself worth something by being a good dancer, good guitar player, having a great guitar, having a home theater with projectors, having fast cars, owning a home, etc, etc... And for what? So I can attract someone? To glorify God? I'm sure that God isn't glorified by my acquisition of material goods.
And have I ignored my character and maturity in character and replaced that with things? Am I a shell that looks pretty on the outside, but on the inside is filled with things of no substance?
When did this happen? I never used to care about material things, having stuff, and showing off the stuff I got. But now, I find that I rely upon those things to gain my confidence. I look at myself and hate where I am at now, but yet at the same time, I enjoy all the comforts (temporal) that these material goods give me. Yet I'm not happy. Is that what I'm striving for? To be happy? Or is it to make God happy?
11/21/2002
Here's another thought.
I was thinking back to a conversation that I had with my Dad just after getting out of college. We were talking about jobs, and how I was perfectly satisfied with the job I got from IBM, while he was pushing me towards getting a better job, to make more money. It came down to me saying that families lived off of what I was making at that time (36k) and why should I pursue more? His reply was that I was naive and that I'll basically learn how naive I am once I start working in the world...
Why do I bring this up? Because I have a sudden revelation that I have taken my father's path rather than the one that I thought I would take coming out of college. And for what? I've never been in need. I have always had money and for the foreseeable future, I will have enough money to last for a couple of years... Have I experienced enough to know if I was naive when I came out of college?
yes, I have experienced enough...8 years of labor and what do I have to show for it? A house. A car. bikes. stuff. are these things necessary? most likely not. Would I be in want if I working for 36k a year? Most likely not. I'm more convinced now than when I was just out of college that I wouldn't be in want. Whether you have 30k or 100k there are going to be things that you cannot afford. so would I be more happy than when I was working for 36k? nope. In fact, I struggle more with how much money I'm going to be bringing in and whether it will be enough for me...how crazy is that? I make $100k/year and I still think about this. What the hell is wrong with me?!
Case in point.
right now as I am writing this, I'm listening to a worship album that I bought on a whim, listening to it through $150 headphones that are 'audiophile' quality (they do sound nice) with a $300 organizer. Am I satisfied more so than if I were listening to the radio through some free headphones that came with my walkman, and using a notebook to keep track of everything? no...
So I can look back on that conversation I had 8 years ago with my dad and say that his way didn't lead to more happiness...just more comfort.
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