Idle Speculation

I have woken up from this haze of idle speculation. I'm in a period of my life where I'm not doing a whole lot of things outside of work, going to SG and going to Connect. So I've had a lot of idle time. Lots of time to think, lots of time to wonder and pontificate. Some would say this is a good thing, that you need to slow down, that you need to take time to smell the roses. What they don't tell you is that smelling the roses poisons you. At least it poisons me. I start to think about weird things. I think about things when I shouldn't. I stress out about things that I shouldn't because I think about them too much. there is something to be said about just doing and not thinking, as I am always one to think about things and not do. I get depressed. I don't want to go out. I become isolated and passive. I am not myself. Work suffers. Relationships suffer. I find that I am happiest when running towards a goal, and right now, I have a lot of idle time that I have sitting around doing nothing, watching TV and poking around on the internet like a big nerd. ugh. writing this I think I threw up in my mouth.

How did I wake up from the haze? My awesome girlfriend, K. I'm actually kind of suprised she's with me, given how I have been acting the last month. She didn't quite jolt me out of this haze on purpose, but through one comment that led to a chain of thoughts in my mind, I'm starting to come out of this and realizing that I need to be busy to a certain extent in my life, otherwise life sucks. Honestly. I would rather be working for the rest of my life, than to be sitting around lazing around on the front porch for days on end. That my friend would be as close to hell here on earth that I could get to. (given that hell is probably infinitely worse than I can imagine, I am correspondingly thankful for being saved.)

So what am I doing to change this? I'm working longer hours (temporarily), I am going to push on leading a small group, I am going to talk to moody about going back to school, and not worry about the rest of the things that possibly could happen to me... I am going to get more involved in ministry, and I will be talking with Lynda about that more. But I promise myself that I would not be idle and sit around, cause that's when I get in trouble in the first place.

Idle speculation. it sucks. Don't ever stay there.