is-a vs. has-a and it's all my fault

I woke up this morning in bed and you know the first thought in my head? well, besides K... ;) is-a vs. has-a. for those non-programmers out there, this is the difference between association and inheritance and I have a meeting at 1pm to talk about this with fellow co-workers to hash this out. I'm such a nerd. It's kind of scary that I think about this stuff all the time. As K has mentioned, she says that I think all the time....which leads me to believe that maybe not everyone does. I have this belief that everyone thinks all the time, but that may not be true. either that, or I just talk about it...

I think everything is my fault. In any endeavor that I take on, I tend to think if I just tried harder, was a little smarter, or worked a little longer, that I would have success. This leads to a huge burden on my shoulders when a project is not working, or I'm failing at something, perceived or not. I don't know why I think that way, but I know that I do. Even if I had nothing to do with a particular project or the project failed outside of my control, I still feel terrible and think it's my fault that I should have seen it coming, or done something more to mitigate the risk. I see this in relationships as well, that I let my friends down, or that I should have done something differently to repair a friendship, or even in my relationship with K, that I should try harder, or done something different, or work harder, or something...but I always feel like I need to do something. But this isn't the case all the time is it?

Sometimes a project goes awry because of forces out of your control. Sometimes a friendship just dies naturally, through no fault of your own. (I still have trouble writing that sentence) This makes me push harder, do more, and burn myself out, usually with the same or worse effect than if I had done nothing, or allowed God to work.

I guess that's why I have such a hard time waiting for God to work or for God to affect change in my life or the lives of others. I think, "I should do something!". This isn't the right attitude...but I don't know what the right attitude is. This attitude has gotten me this far, so why change it? This attitude is my 'isaac' in the sense that if God takes this away from me, my compulsion to work and get things done, that I would become a failure here on earth, that my life would come crashing down. Maybe God doesn't need to take it away from me, and I'm putting all this stuff in my head. But I know that the life I live because of this causes undue stress on me in everything I do and can alienate people whom I am close to. Hrm. Looks like I'm goin to have to spend a lot of time in prayer today, and today is fasting day for me, so it looks like the perfect time to do it. :)