Fear of the Irrelevant

I've been thinking about why I do all the things I do. That I go to school, that I help with YAM so much, that I lamely try to get my real estate investment going, and I feel like my life is quickly spiraling out of control. Couple that with the major back injury that I got through a stupid pilates class makes things that much more difficult. Now I understand when people who have chronic pain are lethargic because a lot of energy is expended to deal with the pain rather than with the details of life.

I can hear people saying, 'then why do you do these things that make your life difficult?' The reason? I'm afraid of being irrelevant to the world at large. So I do things that would make me important. I realize that my importance needs to be in Christ, but i just can't seem to hold onto that. Something in my spirit wants more relevance to the world for some reason, a validation on what who I am cause in some ways, who I am in Christ is not enough. I know it should. But it's not. I wonder if I am going through a crisis of faith...as I wonder what life without Christ would be like...since I don't rememeber any kind of life before Christ, in my mind it's a life full of partying, pleasure, and fun. I know it's probably not like that, but somehow that is attractive to me, simply because it is something that I desire in the flesh, but cannot have. Forbidden fruit if you will.