Throwing in the Towel

I was talking with my roommate who is to be married and we were talking naturally about relationships and marriage. My roommate was one of the few people who went through pre-engagement counseling and surprisingly, people gave a lot of flack about it...Why? For Janson and Heather it was better this way as their relationship changed or more correctly changed focus to planning the wedding...if you had to go through pre-marital counseling after the engagement to tsill try to see if you are compatible, isn't that a little more risky? Sure the element of suprise is done when you go through pre-engagement counseling, but maybe it's worth the tradeoff. Not that I'm even there yet.

I've also been wrestling with YAM and how I do ministry...One thing you know about me is that I tend to focus exclusively on one purpose, and to switch back and forth is difficult and draining for me. So looking at YAM, I come there with conflicting purposes. One, to facilitate and make sure that things go well, and that we have a good environment where people can connect and more importantly get involved in the community to be challenged and grown in their spiritual walk. Two, to find a wife.

I can't seem to reconcile these 2 desires/purposes for the night. One is giving to others, the other is taking for myself. I have to switch modes between "hmm..how is the night going, do people have everything they need, are people being left out, are people challenging one another, etc, etc..." and "hmm....that girl is cool, maybe I should ask her out." These are 2 completely different mindsets and it is difficult for me to do both. This is why I come home and don't feel like I did either one justice.

So I'm throwing in the towel on #2. I realize that with my life the way it is, work/YAM/Moody/Real Estate, that there is no place to be able to find a wife. I also realize that for me to find someone, they have to be moving in somewhat the same direction, or at least have some common goals/paths that we share. I think this is why things with Sue got to the point that they did, because we were both doing YAM ministry and both working towards a common goal. So from now on, I'm giving of myself to the ministry, sacrificing what I would want in terms of finding a wife that I desire to do what is best for God's kingdom on thursday nights, undivided in my motive.

With that is the very real possibility that I will never get married. For some reason, it doesn't scare me as much, but maybe that is because I am well loved by my family and friends which takes the sting out of being alone. As referred to in one of my previous posts, I still struggle with Christ being sufficient for me. So who knows...maybe this gift of celibacy is what I need to grasp. I don't want it, but God, not my will but thine.