Intensity

Last night was talking AK and we agreed to be friends. What we were doing, this "dating" thing wasn't really working out all that well...it was too intense, too forced, like something needed to be done, and that is a lot of pressure. Too much pressure. The attraction is still there, but the only way that it's going to work is to be friends and see how things work from there. None of this "formal" dating thing.

So this is the 2nd time this has been mentioned in the ending of relationships or in this case a budding relationship. So it warrants further attention. Why have my last 2 "forays" into the dating scene ended like this? There must be a more fundamental reason. You could say that K was getting out of a 6 year relationship and that she really wasn't over it. You could say AK had a 4 year relationship and didn't get over this. If you said either of those things, I would say that you were wrong from my observations.

So what is the fundamental reason? I believe that the fundamental reason for this is me. I am the commonality. what about me is it that causes these relationships to crumble? I feel that my window of opportunity is passing. I am 35. I am accepting that I am older and in a number of cases, a decade or so more than those people whom I am attracted to. But I realize society doesn't really approve of this. Inside me I have this restless that I should settle down and settle down NOW...so I try hard. I try so hard. And in the midst of trying so hard, I kill any chance for a relationship to work, as relationships take time and is not something that can be forced.

there is this tension. One to get married, to find companionship. The other is that in order to this, you cannot focus on "getting married" or being in a relationship, as that introduces pressures that will inevitably snuff out the budding attraction that exists in the beginning.

So what is the to go about this? How do you resolve it? Take that passion, take that desire and turn it towards Christ, running as far and fast as you can. You then look to the left and right and see who is running with you. then you say, 'hi' and see if he/she says 'hi' back. At least that is what I have heard and it rings a bit of truth in me.

some of you may say, "why don't you look at those who are older and stop look at the younger women because they may be better looking or hotter?" First off, I do. I know many women in their 30's who I think are the hottest things on the planet. But it's more than the eye candy that gets me, it's those that have a vibrant walk with Christ and are servants desiring to see community. And I don't see that in women in their 30's for the most part. Those that are I have tried to start something, but it never worked out. For some reason, those in their 20's are more passionate about Christ, passionate about where God has in store for them, that they are active in their community, bringing people together, taking initiative in what God has laid upon their hearts. yes, they are young and half of them don't know what they want, but they have the passion.

So that's my analysis of myself. I am so aware that I am getting older, that I will become less attractive to those who I am typically attracted to and I will end up alone. I don't want to settle. I don't. But the temptation is there. I understand now how older single women feel. In a rare form of honesty, being alone scares me to death, and that fear overpowers me at times and it comes up when I get into a relationship, laying a heavy burden upon the fragile foundation that all relationships start on, crushing it.

So turn it towards you Lord. I hate the way that I feel. I hate the way it has changed me and made me a bit less effectual for your kingdom. Change me.