Post Mortem

As I sit here, gazing at the shattered remains of my ego and slowing picking up the pieces, I am faced with a choice. Do I follow the descent into the morass of depression, second guesses, wishful thinking, despair and mourning? Or do I follow the path of moving forward without analysis, just forgetting what is behind and looking towards what is ahead in blissful ignorance?

I am sorely tempted to go into the descent. It's a indulgence for sure, to just jump into the inky blackness and not care and deal with the feelings and issues with a "breakup" (even though it really has been 2 dates..hmm..that could be the issue...2 dates and I'm grieving? sheesh)

One of the things that comes from this is that it seems that I just accept whatever judgement or thought from the other as a fact, rather than fighting to keep the relationship. for example. AK says, "I think you should stop pursuing me." To which I replied, "ok...". Now if I was really into this, I would have said, "no. but the reason that you want to stop is that it's hard. And the reason that it's hard is because I am pushing and forcing it. So why not instead of forcing it, we "throttle it back" and just take it as friends and see if it can work in a different manner? give it a second chance, let's reset and try again. is that something you'd be willing to try?"

at least that is how it goes in my mind. And my reply is infinitely better than a simple, "ok..." blech, I can be a wuss at times.

So while I know that the path of blissful ignorance is better emotionally, I tend to take the path of re-hashing, in order to glean an insight or two from this painful experience to be better and wiser because of it. The price of insight is high. Too high to go through it more than a couple of times a year, and 2008 is shaping itself up to be the year of disappointment and despair. Here are the years prior:

2008 - Year of Disappointment and Despair
2007 - The Awakening and Death of Hope
2006 - The Start of the Heart's Journey
2005 - The price of being steadfast
2004 - The insurmountable fear and scattering
2003 - The Glimmer of Greed

The others are too far back to remember. I would have to go through my journal to figure that out. These are off the top of my head.