Spiritual Night Attack

Last night I was spiritually attacked. At 4am I wake up sweaty, with a immense weight on my heart. This was strange, as I'm normally a good sleeper. I do not wake up in the middle of the night. I had just gotten to bed at 12:30am so I wasn't tired.

I woke up to accusational thoughts. Thoughts like, "You suck, what is wrong with you? Don't you know that you are a desperate man looking for a relationship and you are failing miserably. You should be better than that. You should have done this instead, you should have done that instead. Now you are a loser and will not find anyone cause you are old. your time is passing. Who do you think you are? Why do you even try to do anything? You are not attractive and have no worth to anyone. No one is going to want to be with a 35yo who is wound up so tight!" Given that AK and I broke things off the night before, some of these thoughts are normal to have I admit. But the intensity of these thoughts were on a scale that I have never experienced. Thoughts that cut me to my core. Thoughts that caused me to weep and shake. these thoughts of condemnation and despair came unbidden and threatened to drown me. The feeling would not go away, the accusing thoughts and feelings kept pressing in on me and I remember getting onto my knees and praying, "God save me. SAVE ME! I'm dying." It was SO intense, this fight and knowing that I could not fight it myself for I had no strength, no will, no ability to fight this. I was engulfed in despair, thoughts of dying to end it all, were overwhelming me.

For an hour I would alternatively sob, weep, and pray, fighting what I knew to be a spiritual battle. I kept praying for salvation from the Lord and crying out to the Lord that He would fight this battle for me. I had such a sense of hopelessness against the weight of the accusations. After a little more than a hour, exhausted, the attacks ceased. 5am. I was able to fall asleep, only to wake up a hour and half later for work. So now I'm really tired, both in body and spirit.

I don't know why it happened, but praise God that He was able to give me victory through His spirit. I now know what it means to be desperate for Him, as I was so desperate. This isn't to say that the battle is over, because even as I type this, I can sense that those thoughts are prowling and pacing, awaiting to devour me at a moments notice. All I can do is pray and ask to be filled with the Holy Spirit to find strength.

Talked with a friend about this and she shared an amazing verse. I am going to share it with you...

This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

This passage is talking about doing instead of just words and tongue. and in keeping with it, I am going to start serving in niles since I have made that my church at this point.